Thursday 26 February 2015

to listen, watch and reflect..

I stare at the lines on the blank page, twisting the blue ballpoint pen through my fingers. It has to be blue, not black - I don't like black pens. I am a bit funny like that - set in my ways.

Every now and then I look up to take in the scene around me, the hundreds of people who line the coastline, couples old and young, families, friends, all enjoying the serenity of this paradise.

One thing I notice is from where I sit I see no one like one else alone {unless you count the little Thai lady walking up and down the beach selling corn on the cob - what is it with these people and corn on a cob!?}

A young couple move in and sit down in front of me, he sits first before taking off his shoes and offering them to her to sit on so as to not dirty her tiny white shorts.

I sit with my headphones in trying to drown out the noise. Mostly country music occupies my playlist - songs about love, loss and life, over and over again. I wonder if I could write songs what the song of my life would be.

I close my eyes, enjoy the breeze across my face, take in the air - deep into my lungs, and try to clear my thoughts, sift through the chaos.... searching.

For some reason writing that word brings a lump to my throat....searching....but what am I searching for?

Tonight I've come here for the same reason as many others, to watch the sunset. It's been a while since I've had an unobstructed view of a sunset, and never have I seen it set over the ocean.

In the next hour or so it will be gone for another day. We'll be another day older. Another day further away from something and another day closer to something we don't even know yet. 

A man walks up and stands in front of me to take a photo of the same view. The same view many many people are looking at. I'm staring at him immediately and feel bad. His prosthetic leg cannot be ignored, I instantly wonder what happened to him, has it changed him, has it stopped him doing things he's always wanted to do? 

I guess we all have a story to tell.

The sun is fading fast now, it's like the ocean is sucking it into its grasp. Like no matter how hard it tries it cannot be stopped. The colours are so strong.

And just like that, as Hunter Hayes sings 'Wanted' in my ears, the sun disappears over the horizon.

I, like many others, pack up and move on from the beach. I wander the street looking for somewhere to have dinner, not really because I am hungry but because it is 'dinner time'. I find a Thai/Italian restaurant and ask for a table for one, "only for one?", the waitress asks with her cute Thai accent. She shows me to a table in the corner.

A different waitress brings me the menus and asks, "only one?", I nod and she scoops up the cutlery opposite me, leaving it obvious that there will definitely only be one here tonight.

I order a beer. I never order beer at home. I never eat out at a restaurant by myself either. I guess that's what this trip is about really. Doing things I would never do at home. I order and eat my meal in silence. Stroll back to my accommodation, back to my room. 

When I revealed my plans for this year people asked why. I am still yet to sort through the many 'whys' that fill my head and articulate it. But I do know that it was more than that I just wanted to, it's that I needed to. I am thankful that I am in a position to be able to do this. I know that at times I have concerns that I have done the wrong thing, but I also know that it's the right thing. And after only such a short time away, I already know I cannot go back to my life the way it was. 

{taking a little diversion from blogging about my tour for this reflection and linking up with Ann from Help! I'm Stuck! for Things I know, and A Brit and a Southerner for Weekend Wanderlust}

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