Sunday, 17 December 2017

for a breakup

This year I had a breakup.. A breakup that I was sure was going to be an extremely difficult one. But to my surprise it really wasn't as difficult as I thought....

I pondered the decision for months... I would stand in the shop and stare at you and imagine the day that I would make you mine... just before leaving for South Korea and with the help of my tax return I finally made you mine.

I became obsessed and was sure it was going to help me stay on track as I moved to a whole new country! I constantly checked my wrist to see how many steps I had done. The first thing I did each morning was refresh my app to see how my sleep was the night before.

It was meant to be a motivational tool but soon it became a distraction and a disappointment. In my mind I wasn't motivated to do more steps, I'll confess that some days I would simply shake my wrists a few times to get to my goal. It was having the affect I wanted it to.

The boiling point came when I was working towards my goal of running 10km in under an hour at the Sunshine Coast marathon event. I had been training for weeks. Diligently wearing my Fitbit, constantly glancing at it to see my stats. 

The day of the race arrived and with nerves I lined up with just a few thousand of my closest friends, all with one on the other hands wrist, ready to start our 'smart watches' as we crossed the start line. I felt like I started the run strong and felt really good. I told myself not to focus too much on my time and not to look at my Fitbit and just focus on my rhythm and feel comfortable. I did this until I saw the 5km marker sign. That's when I looked at my watch and saw my time was 30:12 and I thought I could continue at the pace I was running and maybe, just maybe, get close to that 1 hour time. But then I think I just got inside my own head too much. My toes started to go numb and when that happens my knee starts to ache. 

According to my Fitbit my time was 1:04:27 but the distance was only 9.33km so am not sure I can really claim it as a 10km run PB.... I felt so many emotions that day, most of all frustration and disappointment.

It was that day that I decided I needed to break up... with my Fitbit.  I had become so focused on it and feeling like a massive failure if I don't meet some kind of target that I felt like it was stopping me from just enjoying my runs and enjoying exercise in general. I hate the inner-struggle and dialogue I was having with myself both during and after the run that day and I hate the use of the word failure.... 

To me, I am not failing...... at 38 I know I am close to the fittest and strongest I have ever been. I know I live a healthy balanced lifestyle and I know that my thoughts and feelings about myself and my body are improving every day. I know that my health and being healthy is and always will be top of my priority list. So I'm "breaking up" with the obsession I had with checking my Fitbit all the time and with the word "failure" because being the best version of myself means being ok with where I am at and the decisions I make throughout my day and living in what is my reality.... and now I just run because I want to, and I enjoy it and don't focus on anything else except the very next step...

Sunday, 1 October 2017

9 months on...

I stood at the harbour at the port of Yeosu in South Korea and watched the sunrise in the distance and decided it was time to put into action something I had been thinking about for a while. I have always enjoyed watching both the sunrise and the sunset. Each signalling an important time of the day... A sunrise, a new day with new beginnings possible.... A sunset, a time of reflection of the day that was...

The one that started it all.... my first sunrise picture.

Tuesday, 10 January 2017

for my plans for 2017

Since announcing to many family and friends that I was coming home at the end of January after a 6 month stint teaching English in South Korea I have been repeatedly hit with one question and one question only....

What are you plans for when you get home?

Monday, 26 December 2016

to make a comeback...

I got overwhelmed, I started drowning from information overload. I thought I had to be something I was pretty sure I could never be and wasn't even sure I wanted to be. I lost sight of why I even started in the first place. 

Monday, 28 March 2016

til next time...

I must confess this is my second attempt at writing this and I am frustrated beyond belief! I had more or less finished my post, drafting it using the blogger app, walked away... app closed... draft gone...

Really just links in with what I am blogging about today anyway.

Today we are confessing words that makes us cringe... Here goes...

Monday, 7 March 2016

New York regrets

"Research Things to do in New York"

"Write out your Must do things in NYC list"

 "Plan, plan, plan, you'll need a plan"

These were all great pieces of advice I was given when talking to people about my trip to New York City. And despite listening and taking this advice fully on board, I still have regrets and things I wish I had of done! 

Monday, 29 February 2016

to remember..

I am revisiting an old post for this week's I Must Confess prompt because I don't understand how 10 years can pass and it still feel like yesterday. Today is a day that only happens once every 4 years, meaning that it didn't happen 10 years ago and it means this year we get an extra day, a day between remembering the day you left us, and the day we celebrate what would have been your birthday.....

I remember the day as if it was yesterday....

The day started like any other, It was a Monday, I got up I went to work, I was on autopilot like I am most days. I was teaching an early years class, year 1/2. For the most part they had no idea of the inner struggle I was having with even being there. My mind often wandering, wishing I was some place else. We had started the day just like any other following our usual routine, I had set them up for our Literacy Rotations and was just making a start when my mobile phone rang. I had forgotten to turn it on silent and by the time I got to it, it had rung out. Within minutes the Principal had entered my classroom, (this never happened so I knew something big was going on) I was pretty sure I knew what he was going to say before he even said it. "Miss Hooke, you need to leave now" I knew what he meant, I knew where I had to go. From memory I don't even think I said anything to the kids, I just grabbed my bag and left, leaving him to manage my class. 

I drove home and packed a bag, not really giving much thought to what was going in it. I was four hours from where I needed to be and I was wishing I had never left. I drove in a daze, trying hard to stay within the speed limit but desperately wishing I could get there quicker and begging her to hold on, I would be there soon. A phone call from your boyfriend along the way eased some of my anxiousness.

I flew into a car park and got up to the room as quickly as my shaking legs would take me, what would I be faced with when I walked through that door? I met Dad in the corridor and I saw the relief in his face when our eyes met. I was there... I went inside to see you sound asleep. Your pain was being managed and sleeping was a regular occurrence. When you did wake, and saw me there you looked slightly confused "What are you doing here?" you mumbled, It occurred to me that perhaps you didn't realise what was happening.... Trying to make light of the situation I returned with "ahh The kids were giving me the shits, so I walked out". 

Day turned into night and we never left your side, still wearing the same clothes the sun rose on a new day and you were the only one that really slept. Too scared of what might happen should we dare to close our eyes or walk away. More and more loved ones were arriving as well as medical staff fleeting in and out.

The sun set on another day and you were still holding on, your breathing was become difficult, often taking long deep breaths and occasionally gasping for air. No one really knowing what to do but be there. Now it was Tuesday night, the TV was on. We were all quite absorbed by Dancing with the Stars. Jennifer Hawkins was on dancing to James Blunt's song "You're Beautiful" and I sat beside you holding your hand singing (very badly) the words of the song in your ear. We knew it wouldn't be long, we knew we had to let you go, we knew you had fought as much as you could possibly fight. Fifteen months of surgery, radiation and chemotherapy had taken it's toll on you and it was time to tell you it was ok to go. I had been with you for many of your challenges, your surgery in Sydney, your first dose of Chemotherapy, countless specialist appointments. You'd fought a good fight, amazing us all with your strength and determination with even Dad asking how someone so little could take so much and fight so hard. 

Then it happened, at around ten to ten on Tuesday the 28th February 2006 you took your last breath surrounded by many family and close friends who could do no more but hold each other and cry. For reasons we still don't understand the date of your death as written by your doctor is the 1st of March..we could not accept that... that day was your birthday. You didn't quite make it. Over the following weeks I helped plan your funeral, travel with your boyfriend to your home to gather your things and sort through them, and try and work out what life without you was going to look like. 

When it came time for me to return to 'my life' 3 weeks later and four hours away, I cried the whole way 'home'. People tried to be helpful and say the right things but I have learnt there is nothing that can be said. People end up saying things that could not be further from the truth in an effort to make you feel better, "It'll get better/easier" being the one I hate the most. Hours turned into days, days into months and months into years but the pain has not eased. I think one of my friends summed it up nicely when she didn't try to cheer me up or sugar-coat the situation when she said... "It doesn't get easier you just move further away from the time when your life turned to shit".. 8 years on and I don't think that my life is shit but I do always think of how different it would be if you never left us. 

It ain't fair you died too young
Like a story that had just begun
The death tore the pages all away
God knows how I miss you
All the hell that I've been through
Just knowing no one could take your place
Sometimes I wonder who you'd be today
- Kenny Chesney

You will always be my little sister, you will always be missed... you will always be Forever Young...
KLH 83-06 xx
Picture courtesy one of my other sisters, Linda
Here's hoping you are resting in peace by beautiful sister.

***This post is part of the following linkups*** 

I Must Confess