Sunday 17 December 2017

for a breakup

This year I had a breakup.. A breakup that I was sure was going to be an extremely difficult one. But to my surprise it really wasn't as difficult as I thought....

I pondered the decision for months... I would stand in the shop and stare at you and imagine the day that I would make you mine... just before leaving for South Korea and with the help of my tax return I finally made you mine.

I became obsessed and was sure it was going to help me stay on track as I moved to a whole new country! I constantly checked my wrist to see how many steps I had done. The first thing I did each morning was refresh my app to see how my sleep was the night before.

It was meant to be a motivational tool but soon it became a distraction and a disappointment. In my mind I wasn't motivated to do more steps, I'll confess that some days I would simply shake my wrists a few times to get to my goal. It was having the affect I wanted it to.

The boiling point came when I was working towards my goal of running 10km in under an hour at the Sunshine Coast marathon event. I had been training for weeks. Diligently wearing my Fitbit, constantly glancing at it to see my stats. 

The day of the race arrived and with nerves I lined up with just a few thousand of my closest friends, all with one on the other hands wrist, ready to start our 'smart watches' as we crossed the start line. I felt like I started the run strong and felt really good. I told myself not to focus too much on my time and not to look at my Fitbit and just focus on my rhythm and feel comfortable. I did this until I saw the 5km marker sign. That's when I looked at my watch and saw my time was 30:12 and I thought I could continue at the pace I was running and maybe, just maybe, get close to that 1 hour time. But then I think I just got inside my own head too much. My toes started to go numb and when that happens my knee starts to ache. 

According to my Fitbit my time was 1:04:27 but the distance was only 9.33km so am not sure I can really claim it as a 10km run PB.... I felt so many emotions that day, most of all frustration and disappointment.

It was that day that I decided I needed to break up... with my Fitbit.  I had become so focused on it and feeling like a massive failure if I don't meet some kind of target that I felt like it was stopping me from just enjoying my runs and enjoying exercise in general. I hate the inner-struggle and dialogue I was having with myself both during and after the run that day and I hate the use of the word failure.... 

To me, I am not failing...... at 38 I know I am close to the fittest and strongest I have ever been. I know I live a healthy balanced lifestyle and I know that my thoughts and feelings about myself and my body are improving every day. I know that my health and being healthy is and always will be top of my priority list. So I'm "breaking up" with the obsession I had with checking my Fitbit all the time and with the word "failure" because being the best version of myself means being ok with where I am at and the decisions I make throughout my day and living in what is my reality.... and now I just run because I want to, and I enjoy it and don't focus on anything else except the very next step...

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